FileMaker Jokes

At a recent FMPUG-MN meeting, someone asked if there were any FileMaker jokes. I searched all over the web and could not find any FileMaker specific jokes. Since FileMaker is a database, and plays well with SQL databases, we can inherit some of those jokes. We can also inherit some contractor and programming jokes. Any other jokes need to be invented new.

All of these jokes would be considered geek jokes. They are NOT funny at all unless you understand the technical side of them. So do not expect roars of laughter from your non-FileMaker database developer buddies. Warning: Do not try to start a standup comedy act using any of these jokes…unless you’re at DevCon.

So here are the jokes:

A database developer walks into a bar and sees two tables. He asks “Can I join you?”

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A user came to me wanting a FileMaker database and asked “Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?” “Have you tried a wife?”

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SELECT *
FROM [Users] WHERE [Clue] > 0
No records found.

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Two FileMaker developers walk into a bar but they had to leave because they couldn’t find any tables!

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An FileMaker developer goes to the gates of Heaven. Very indignantly, he says to St, Peter, “Look here, I was only 45 so why did I have to die? It’s not fair.” St. Peter stares back with a puzzled frown, and leafs through the golden book. “Hey, that’s odd. According to the hours you’ve billed, you’re 120 years old! (Actually, all FileMaker developers are honest and trustworthy so this does not apply.)

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One FileMaker specific joke is IWP (Instant Web Publishing). That’s it. IWP is a joke. Since IWP is deprecated in FileMaker 13 we can now make as much fun of it as we like.

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Last year the inability to change the color of a heading in FileMaker was the single largest contributer to “violence in the workplace.”

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There are two types of FileMaker developers: Those that do backups and those that WILL do backups.

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New FileMaker functions:
Get(Over It)
Let (It Be)
Get(CurrentUserMentalStatus)

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1001 FileMaker FIELDS walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The field says “why not?”
The bartender says, “We don’t take just anyone who pops up.” or
The bartender says, “We haven’t got any menus.”

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1001 FileMaker DATABASES walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” The field says “why not?”
The bartender says, “Because you weren’t fully relational until you were 7.”

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What’s freezing cold and wicked hot at the same time? An air conditioned hotel conference room at DevCon in Phoenix, Miami, Palm Desert, etc.

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What does FileMaker do when it’s tired? It crashes.

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Please add your own FileMaker jokes here… We’ll pick the best ones and send you something special like a Starbuck’s gift card or AMC movie tickets.

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How do tell if you’re talking to an extroverted developer? He/she stares at your shoes when you’re talking instead of their own.